28 replies to this topic

[slice slice baby]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits, and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I just turned 70.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a sh!t? '

I SWEAR!!!! We have got to have the same friends!!! lol





HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from hospital
> charts)
>
> 1 . The patient refused autopsy.
>
> 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
>
> 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
>
> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
> states she was very hot in bed last night.
>
> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
> over a year.
>
> 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third
> day it disappeared.
>
> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
> appears to be depressed.
>
> 8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
> in 1993.
>
> 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
>
> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally
> alert but forgetful
>
> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
>
> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
>
> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
>
> 14. The skin was moist and dry.
>
> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
>
> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
>
> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
>
> 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
> life, until she got a divorce.
>
> 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
> physical therapy.
>
> 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
> accommodation.
>
> 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
>
> 22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>
> 23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
>
> 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
>
> 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
> abnormalities.

[Teddy Malone]

I hardly ever get any through e-mail. Mostly from the O-Zone or some other random site.

[Teddy Malone]

Joke of the day:

An old farmer outside Baton Rouge, Louisiana, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time

[totallytiger]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES!

I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men.



(And that’s tha truth)

[Teddy Malone]

Joke of the day:

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the Seventh."

[totallytiger]

The spoon:




A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.


Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'


I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[slice slice baby]

Joke of the day:Three friends, two straight guys and a ***** guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship - they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much.You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much.You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"The ***** guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES!I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks,Not all blondes are dumb,But all men...are men. (And that’s tha truth)

Joke of the day:A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade.""No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the Seventh."

The spoon: A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.' I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

ugh! yuck!

[Teddy Malone]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?

"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse and bra to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them, ....but not biting.

In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

[Teddy Malone]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems
to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started .