28 replies to this topic

[slice slice baby]

Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started and have never finished............ So, I looked around my house to see
all the things I'd started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this
morning, I finished off a bottle of Crown, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream,
about a quarter ounce, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.



You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

[myturn]

[ADog]

LMAO.....only you slice....love it.........

[JackCord4]

[slice slice baby]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I
take the dog for a walk around the block ?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the
garage."



The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk
around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to
you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it
to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash
and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"


The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home.

[Duh Huh Dull Sucks]

Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started and have never finished............ So, I looked around my house to see
all the things I'd started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this
morning, I finished off a bottle of Crown, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream,
about a quarter ounce, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.



You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

That achieves inner peace? Honey, I think that just started an inner battle, and the loser of that battle will be anyone that follows you into the bathroom over the next 48 hours!

[slice slice baby]

Growing up without a cell phone

If you are over 36, you may find this funny!



When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MYGOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!




13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!




And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!




See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

[slice slice baby]

Had a couple of these topics in years past that went over pretty well so, decided to bring it back as I'm once again cleaning out my email box . ...AOL has recently upped the amount your inbox to 4,000 from the old 1,000 so, if you know the roots of how 'slice baby's box' originally got started, you know i have even MORE material to submit in this thread!!

As always, if you have any forwards or jokes to share, please add them here as well!!

[lepiota]

Just a couple of things: If you wanted to shoplift music, you certainly would have to do it in the winter when you were wearing a coat cause there was no way you were squeezing an 8 track into the top of those skin tight Elephant Bell bottoms. Also, I was forced to lay on the floor and be the "Remote Control" so my dad could surf the big three networks and weak sister PBS

[slice slice baby]

Just a couple of things: If you wanted to shoplift music, you certainly would have to do it in the winter when you were wearing a coat cause there was no way you were squeezing an 8 track into the top of those skin tight Elephant Bell bottoms. Also, I was forced to lay on the floor and be the "Remote Control" so my dad could surf the big three networks and weak sister PBS

So.... that's why I was always on the floor!!??!! Only took 40+ years & someone else to explain it to me!<------ slooooooooow!



THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination.
I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or
on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[slice slice baby]

My new nightly prayer:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles,
Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots,
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy,
Please keep me young, and thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.



Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.



Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

[JackCord4]

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Toooo Funnnnny!!!!!!!

[slice slice baby]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."



He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert..



After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



The wife replied, "The freaken' funeral director would be my first guess.

[Teddy Malone]

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what
was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, "I love you, too".
When we got to my place, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
My Fantasy Football trade didn't go through, can't figure out why, oh well at least I got laid!

[FrOnT RoW JOE]

[Teddy Malone]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop..
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[totallytiger]

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming .

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded

staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young

cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind If I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in

his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his

place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back Into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

Edited by totallytiger, 24 March 2011 - 03:45 PM.

[DaGhoul]

Hey, I thought the jokes were for Slice only! She really needs the face time, if you know what I mean...

[slice slice baby]

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what
was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, "I love you, too".
When we got to my place, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
My Fantasy Football trade didn't go through, can't figure out why, oh well at least I got laid!

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop..
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

i'm thinking we must have the same friends!!!

Hey, I thought the jokes were for Slice only! She really needs the face time, if you know what I mean...

open to anyone & everyone, goulie!!!

(gonna skip the face-time remark~~this is a famly forum!!! )

[Teddy Malone]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits, and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I just turned 70.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a sh!t? '